Big Daddy Just Broke My Heart…

This morning: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My day has officially been made!!! I can’t stop giggling!! I think my face is red. I’m trying super hard not to smile but I can’t help it. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Oh my gosh!!! What did I do to get this so randomly! Oh my gosh!!!!! Is this what true happiness feels like? I am officially ready to go to heaven and tell St. Peter that I have officially lived.

Today I walk into the office so glad that it is Friday. Do you know what this means? Sleep!! Big Daddy just walked in. His in black and maroon. He looks amazing. He doesn’t say much and that’s pretty normal. His silence is magnificent.

So I’m stalking people on Instagram, wondering how I can find a rich prince to marry when I notice Big Daddy standing in front of me. His hands are outstretched. I look at him quizzically. This is new, random, completely out of character. I’m worried but also excited. I ask him if he wants to give me a hug, he nods his head. Still not talking much I see but okay. I am pretty excited at this point. I’ve never seen him so much as side hug anyone before. I push my worries aside and get up for a hug.

It is warm, cozy, the kind you need to calm you down. He smells clean with a hint of cologne or maybe deo? It isn’t the kind of hug where his hands are at my waist, those are usually inappropriate (sighs dramatically). But it feels like it was on his To-do-list maybe or it was to satisfy my curiosity? Anyway, I just hope he did it because he wanted to.

As we stand at the coffee machine, I ask (after I’ve smacked the smile off my face) if he is okay. He says his fine and he adds that he is leaving the company.

My world stops.

I don’t know what to think.

I ask why.

He says he wants to leave and pursue his dreams, that he’s scared but he’s ready to do it. Conquer his fears and be happy. A part of me is proud and the other part of me is depressed. I had just gotten used to him here but now he’s gone. What’s going to happen now?

I notice Natsu watching me and I’m embarrassed. I don’t know why but I am. I bid Big Daddy success and that we’ll catch up later and sit on my desk. Natsu isn’t watching me anymore. Did I have a weird expression on my face? Was it obvious that I enjoyed being around Big Daddy? That I was heartbroken? Why should I be embarrassed though?

Hello Natsu…

This morning: I walked in late because Monday mornings call for unhappy moments. I walk to my desk and sit down. I haven’t had my cup of morning coffee so my responses are limited to nods and groans. Big Daddy hasn’t walked in yet, I wonder whether he’ll smile at me as he says good morning. I wonder if I should skip my cup of coffee and see if that hunk of cute will energize me 😏.

Next to me sits the guy from Thursday, the laughing one. He looks at me and smiles. I am in shock, it must show on my face because I haven’t returned his friendliness…(is that the word?). I might be seated on the wrong desk because 1. Monday and 2. Zero caffeine. So I get up and look around…this is my seat. Why is he here? I ask him if he needs something and he says no. For the first time I look down and notice my name on a name tag on my desk. And I look at his and I assume it’s his name. Have I walked into an alternative universe? At what point, were we reshuffled? Where in the world was I? Is this one of those weird dreams where I realize I’m naked and about to go for a presentation and I don’t know anything.

I’ve pinched myself and I haven’t cut my nails in a long time so OUCH! This is why I suck at adulting. I ask him when the reshuffle happened, he says on Friday evening. I was out of the office by 5 like I was being chased by the devil so I definitely missed all of it. This makes me feel relieved…and also because I checked and I’m fully clothed. He says hello and introduces himself, I introduce myself as well. Let’s call him Natsu. This is Japanese for summer because with that sunshine like smile, I have a feeling his got a pocketful of it. A pocketful of sunshine that is.

He explains that he’s new and is happy to be able to fit in. My heart softens a little, he seems nice. I guess it’s only Christian to get to know him. We get to talking and he says something that cracks me up. I have no idea what it is but for some inane reason it is hilarious. I’m not a morning/Monday person, but this has me breaking in all kinds of happy. I have decided that Natsu is worth keeping around for a little while longer. He is all kinds of nice. Also I’ve been the new kid before and I know it can suck when you feel left out of office politics. So far this is a good day and my new desk mate is kind of fun so I’m about to have a happy day.

In all my happiness, I realize that Big Daddy hasn’t come in today. I hope his okay.

Is he new?

Good morning world! All is well! I’ve got a flu, Big Daddy is looking Fwine in green today. Mmm!! This man can get it! I am super happy with how my day is going and also because it’s Thursday and the weekend is coming soon. Happy Dance! I am reading a document that I’ve been avoiding like the plague but today is the day that I attack this monster like David did to Goliath! I’m getting my read on.

There’s a loud laugh coming from somewhere. It’s breaking into my space and it distracting me from my work. And I was so close to finishing this long document. I can’t work anymore, his laughter is breaking my concentration and not in a good way. I look ahead of me and there he is. A tall, light skinned dude, with a goofy smile on his face. He laughs with his desk mate. The heck! Who is this human being? Is he new? How could someone so annoying exist in my time and space? When did he get here because I’ve never noticed him before? I can’t take it anymore SO I call out to him, “Yo! People are trying to work!” (LOL I felt super ghetto when I said that). He looks at me, turns back to his friend and continues to laugh albeit quietly.

What was I doing again? I was reading something but I just don’t remember what. AH, now I remember but I’ve lost my groove. I had a good thing going too. Do I have start all over again? Argh! now I’m even angrier than I was a second ago. Anger is bad for the skin (I think) so I take a deep breathe. Think calm, rain, meadow, Big Daddy and other cute guys in the office who don’t notice me.

This year is all about a new me. A new woman, reborn with the Zen spirit embedded in me. I am calm, in control of my temper, in control of my emotions. I am at peace with the world around me, with the annoying boy and with myself. All is well. I can do this, I can finish this document. I am so Zen, Namaste my fellow brothers and sisters.

I am so pumped up! I continue with my work, tuning out the giggles and even ignoring Big Daddy’s movements…which is seriously saying something about my concentration at that moment. The weekend will be here soon and for those two days I can live like a hermit crab and recharge. I can’t wait!

Big Daddy of my Dreams

My morning: I dreamed about Big Daddy and even in my dreams he was beyond nice and I woke up feeling happy because he was helping me sort out a mess that I had somehow created which admittedly sounds a lot like me.

Anyway, flash forward to the office. Big Daddy has walked in, he smiles and high fives me because he barely hugs people in the office. I wish I could touch him. He settles into his desk but I want to keep talking to him. I want to hear his voice. So I go ahead and tell him that I dreamed about him and he gives me this happy/amused smile. I breathe a sigh of relief, he doesn’t think I’m weird. He says he can never remember his dreams when he wakes up in the morning. I say I remember mine some of the time. I scream on the inside like a 13 year old girl meeting Justin Bieber. This boy is so hot.

The guy who gave said nickname has declared war on me. I’m trying to steal his man, lol. So we’re rivals? I’ve never had a rival before, this should be interesting.

In the words of Shakira ‘Did It Again’, “It may seem to you that I am in a place, where I’m losing the direction of my life, but I’m sure that this is nothing but a phase…”. I’ll probably survive this with my mental and emotional state attached. I just think he’s a good one to keep around. I wonder what it feels like to hug him….Do you think he would be uncomfortable if I hugged him?

Prison Diary: Entry 2

Do you remember the man I told you about? The strong, muscular one with straight, even teeth and smelled of testosterone? You do?  Well, he’s still around. That hunk of bacon. Like really, you should meet the guy #FanGirlMoment.

Like I said, he likes me when I’m  rude and whatnot. But you know what? I almost regret killing my husband…almost! I don’t miss that goofball. Even though he was super sweet and made me feel like unicorns and magic were a sure love sign. Now don’t go judging me Diary, I sincerely doubt you’re all that clean…knowing everything you’ve done for me.

Anyway, this isn’t about the very dead husband. What I want to tell you is that he won’t leave me alone. You know the guy, I met. He walks with me, talking to me. Keeping me on a short tight leash. He’s the very jealous type. I felt like the Harley Quinn to his Joker. At first it was totally flattering, I enjoyed the attention. Reveled in it even. It was so amazingly good I got lost in it.

Then I started to get sick of it. I couldn’t ask for space, that would make things even harder. So I begged for it. Cried for it. Tried to claw my way out of it. Nothing worked and I couldn’t get away. I felt like I would go crazy…well, crazier. Funny thing is, I can’t off him like I did my hubby. I can’t live without him.

I’m sure your pretty happy about my current predicament. Your thinking, “Well you did commit murder so you deserve to be in this hot mess.” Well, you can do your happy dance because you might be spot on. The word being Might. I’ll figure a way out of this hunky, stifling prison.

See if I don’t.

Love Unrequited…

“Whatever I’m not, he is…and what he is not, I am. We’re as different as night and day…and this difference means a lot to us. But the two of us are one. We exist only for each other…and this is a fact that defines us.”-Ouran High School Host Club, chapter 37.

…

Meeting her was something I knew would eventually happen. I could see our lives all laid out. She and I together forever. I was addicted to her, dependent. She was the only one. I knew this because I felt it in every fiber of my being. She knew me better than anybody else and I knew her. She was my sole purpose for living, for being. My anchor, salvation…my drug. We finish each other’s sentences, we think alike. We feel the same way and we move in synchrony. This is love. I love her.

But we are not the same. We never have been. I’m not and she is, she is and I’m not. I know so much and yet I don’t know so much. Is love always this frustrating? Do other people go through this as I do? Sometimes I don’t know what she’s thinking. I get jealous. Is she thinking about someone else? Someone who isn’t me? I want to know everything, IT ISN’T FAIR! I have my secrets but I want hers. I want all of hers.

I’m not controlling and I don’t want her to suffocate. But I need her with me, constantly. My air. My hold. I want her to rely on me only, to love only me. I want our love to keep us together in our own little bubble. Our own world. The rest don’t understand, they are idiots. They can’t tell us apart because we are so alike. But I know one day, somebody will come along and tear us apart. I get so angry thinking about it. White hot anger. The kind that burns you from the inside. That makes you burn and see red. The kind that makes you lust.

I wonder if she will move on without me. If she’ll find someone else to rely on, to love. I’m so dependant on her, I feel lost and scared when she’s not around. She’s mine! There’s not much I can do to change that. If there was? I don’t know! What will I do when it happens. Because it will. We won’t be together anymore…not like we are now. But when that time comes…what will I do? What should I do?

I hate the metallic taste of fear. But I feel it unfolding inside me like a flower in bloom. I can’t take this anymore! I need to know. I need…I need…I don’t know what I need. What is wrong with me? I don’t know whats wrong with me! How long has it been since I was outside? Since I felt the sun on my face? This isn’t healthy. But its normal. It has to be. Because she is not and I am. It is understandable. Yes. It is understable.

Well then…it seems this type of thing cannot be helped. I must go away.

“And so my dear sister, I have to leave. I need to get away. Even though we aren’t related by blood, I want you to be…more. I want more. My air. My life. My unrequited love. I don’t know when I’ll be back. Don’t look for me. I ask this of you as your adopted brother. Be safe. Be good.

Goodbye.”

 

‘Till death do us part…

The idea that the murder was all my fault was beyond hilarious. I had led my life knowing that what I did was for the benefit of all. Everybody would be happy and they would all accept me as I was. At least as they thought I was.
When I met my husband he was more than nice to me. He was kind and sweet. He sweeped me off my feet and made me feel happy, cherished and most of all loved. To him I was unique, special and his future. So when I married him, I knew what I wanted from him. Love, affection and happiness. But what I got was something out of this world.
Nothing could prepare me for what came next, how he changed and was able, in a span of a month, to rip me off of everything I had. I was made to believe that I deserved the beatings and the name calling. It was my fault. I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t what he wanted. But he loved me, he told me all the time that he loved me. When the rape began I knew that I had to do something to save myself. I was unprepared for the brutality that was my husband. Gone was the loving man, replaced by this ogre of a creature. Cruel and vicious. Destroying everything it touched. I was part of that everything.
So after another cruel night of pain and blood, I decided to end this. I decided to be the bigger man. After all, if he wasn’t pleased by me then I wasn’t pleased by him. It was only fair I suppose.
He had passed out on the bed, his pants around his knees and his shirt strewn on the floor. I wondered what he was dreaming about. Did he enjoy the things he did to me in our bedroom or was it all some sort of sick Power game? The man was out cold, and it was my turn to act.
I picked up the nanny cam I kept hidden, this was a months horror that I had endured, for the sake of my plan.
I took it to the police and the next day, my husband was in cuffs and in the court room. I had bribed his lawyer, the jurors and the Judge. He was found guilty and was sent to the prison that I had personally picked out. I had made sure that his cell mate was a big man who had a reputation of doing…well…unspeakable things. And I was guaranteed that by the end of his life sentence he would know just what it felt like, to beat and rape a person.
When word came out months later that my husband had passed away, I knew that it was not my fault. He had gotten what he deserved and even though I had began to heal, I knew that in a sadistic way, I was really proud of myself.
After all, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

His response…

Insert Narrator:
“She got saved when she was 18 and therefore began her journey with God. She was happy, at peace and in love with His Majesty. She did what she could to spread the teachings of her maker and even managed to make believers out of non-believers. She knew that her Father would always be with her and keep her safe from harm, after all, no Father would want their daughter harmed. One day, after night worship, she was on her way home. She was aware that it was late and that there were ugly things out there in the world, but she was positive that God would always protect her. So, she faced the night bravely and surely. What happened next was something she could never have foreseen.
Out of the shadows emerged a man. He watched this young curvaceous woman with an intensity that was almost feral. He stalked her as she headed towards the bus stop, making sure to stay in the darkness and not making a sound. A cat stalking its prey. When the time was right and the moment was perfect, he pounced on her and dragged her into the darkness. He tore her clothes open and had is way, making sure to keep her alive for another round, if ever he felt the need after the first. When he was done and had had her several ways, he left her after calling for the ambulance. After all, he was not a complete animal.
When she woke, she found herself in hospital. She remembered what had happened and began to sob in horror. How was it possible, that something so disgusting could set its evil hands on her and hurt the way it did? That monster had robbed her of her innocence, something that she had saved for her husband…if she ever married. But who would want her now? She was soiled. Spoiled. Unwanted. Unneeded. Whose fault was it? Certainly not hers. She had left Church doing what God had wanted, Praise and Worship. Then this happened. It was not her fault, it was God’s. He was to blame.
Right then, the doctor entered, informed her that she had been through something horrible and because they didn’t know how long she had been on the ground for, she could be pregnant. The doctor then left her to deal with the depressing news. She couldn’t believe what she had heard. She was going to carry the child of that demon. She was carrying a demon child. It was God’s fault. She lashed out at God, calling out in anger and accusation. It was all his fault that nothing had gone the way she wanted, she wanted to marry and have a life but not this. God had cheated her out of a perfect life, this was all His fault. God had sat there on His throne and watched and let it all happen. She was going to be a Pagan, because God had deserted her. Right then, God broke His silence and answered her.
“I am the Lord your God, There’s majesty and splendor round about Me. It’s very sad, but true, that very often your faith fails you and you doubt Me. But I’m sovereign and above, I give you power to believe you’re all in control, but I’m SUPER! And I’m set to show myself so strong in a realm of the living that leaves the whole world in a stupor.”-Mali Music, The Job Experience.
And right then, an officer appeared telling her that they had caught the monster and sentenced him to life in Prison and solitary confinement where he would never again see the light of day. After he had left, the doctor appeared and declared that she would not conceive because even though she had been ruined, her body had healed up as though it were never touched.”

I Look to the Heavens…

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
The stars glittering, shining down on me.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
My hope, my Faith, my everlasting dream.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
My loved ones and my life across the vast sea.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
My Lord God, my Father who loves me.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
My friends and family trying to help me.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
My past life flashing before me.

I look to the Heavens and what do I see,
You and the love you have for me.

All he wrote

Jay reads aloud:

“A few days ago, I had managed to capture a boyfriend. I use the word captured because I had lured him into a dark corner with the promise of pleasure to come and then sedated him with chloroform. Don’t even ask how I managed to get my hands on that. Anyway, I tied him up, dragged him home and to the cellar. My parents live in a pretty big house so, nobody would have noticed him…or me. I tied him up in the cellar and kissed him good night.”

Nobody could hear us, the walls were sound proof. Nobody noticed I spent my days in the cellar, I was pretty quiet when I wanted to be. I don’t even think my parents knew I was there half the time. You see I’m adopted, I doubt they cared what I did during my spare time-“

“This is pretty messed up D, we shouldn’t be reading this.” Jay interrupted.

D urged him on, “C’mon man, I know you want to know what happens.”

“For the next few days, I made sure he was properly fed, bathed and…satisfied, if you get my meaning. (P.S: he was a virgin). I loved having him around. He made me laugh when he tried to escape, made my heart flutter when he played hard to get. He was handsome too, hazel eyes and such pouty lips, very kissable. He was medium built, he was intelligent and he had a smile that could light up the sky…my sky. Things were going great, I was so happy to have him, sometimes he used to say bad things to me but I knew that deep down he loved me more than life.”

“They say most breakups happen on Monday. Well, ain’t that the truth. That Monday afternoon, he managed to escape from me. Don’t worry he didn’t go far, he only made it to the door. Anyway, I knocked him out with a bottle of wine, tied him up and waited for him to awaken. I was so angry, so sad, and even more in love than I had ever been before. When he woke up, I explained to him the reason for doing what I was going to do. That I was sorry and that I loved him so much. I picked up the injection filled with a large dose of cocaine dissolved in water and jammed it into his neck. I watched, for the next couple of days with continuous injections, as he slowly lost his mind and eventually died.”

“I loved him so but he wasn’t the one for me. After all, you would think the guy would survive this disease for me but he didn’t. I need a new boyfriend.”

D glanced at Jay, “That’s it. That’s all he wrote.” “We should call the cops and tell them the truth.”  Just as D was about to answer, Jay’s door opened, it was his mom with the laundry.  “Jay honey, who are you talking to?” “Nobody mom, it’s just me.” D interjected, “You can’t tell anyone, after all, I’m a figment of your imagination. All the murders I commit are all yours.”